The 14 Words

Sunday, 1 June 2014

Infinite Monkey Theorem Disproved

By endzog

The Infinite Monkey Theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. To test this theory, and with the aid of positive discrimination legislation, a number of primates were given places at minor American universities.

In a recent on-campus study Towson university provided two core-curriculum trained orangutan teens the chance to take part in a Simian only debate at Indiana university for which, should they win they would be presented with one of the largest challenge pimp trophy cups in history.

The conclusion was that the primates involved, even at the highest level of Simian training, were only able to produce disconnected sentences, constructions hardly amounting to any coherent linguistic structuralization, certainly on the level that could produce a Shakespeare play or even an entire paragraph, inevatably casting serious doubt on the possibility that an infinite number of their less educated brothers and sisters in zoos, hoods, projects or jungles could achieve such results as the theory states.

For compassionate reasons mainly to do with anti-discrimination against sufferers from learning disabilities (a group which includes primates) and on the grounds of gender equality, both of the female orangutan teens were declared the winners in a final over two male baboon teens, and hailed publicly on the Fox Jews network.

Police have asked for help in finding the trophy which went missing days after the FOX interview. Witnesses claim it was was pawned by the male losers, who, after having moved in with their ‘new bitches’ used the money from the pawn to buy stash.

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