The 14 Words

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Santa followed into houses by Iain Spuncan Smith to check presents-to-bedroom ratio

Santa Claus will have an unexpected follower through the skies this year as Iain Duncan Smith plans to visit every house in the UK on Christmas Eve. Using his back-of-a-fag-packet algorithm, the Work and Pensions Secretary will be calculating the present to bedroom ratio and removing gifts from those that have a spare room.
‘I understand this policy may have an impact on children and will probably make them cry, but that’s just an added bonus,’ he explained. 
‘But in these times of austerity it is not fair that some households have an extra bedroom and they will be punished with the removal of presents. And before you all start moaning, a present is something you get for free and therefore is a benefit, well under my remit.’
Launching the policy from his tax-payer funded second home, Mr Duncan Smith said to make sure the policy is fair, the presents that are removed will only be ones related to the spare room. 
‘Take that disabled lad from up the road for example. In his spare room he keeps all the equipment he needs to help him lead an independent life. So to balance things out, I’ll take the new electric wheelchair he was going to get for Christmas.’
Without any magical powers, other than the one that lets him make figures appear out of the blue to suit his argument, Mr Duncan Smith conceded getting down the chimney of every house in the country on Christmas Eve was going to be a challenge, which is why he will focus his efforts on poorer families first. To help him on the night he is going to enlist the help of ATOS to help judge what counts as a spare room.
‘To keep the judging as independent from government as possible, I am paying ATOS £3bn to decide on the definition of a spare room,’ Duncan Scrooge continued. 
‘And they decided a spare room is one that isn’t the kitchen or living room.’ 
With the expected amount of presents collected thought to be in the millions, he was asked what would happen to them.
‘Our plan is to privatise the presents,’ he explained, 
‘but for once not to the Chinese. They said they don’t want this crap back.’

-James Pluside

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